


Lost

by Ashyface



Category: Phan, Phandom, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, DAN AND PHIL - Freeform, Dan Howell - Freeform, Depression, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phil Lester - Freeform, Sad, Suicide, YouTube, self deprecation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-17
Updated: 2018-01-17
Packaged: 2019-03-06 05:39:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13404606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashyface/pseuds/Ashyface
Summary: Don't forget to leave kudos if you liked it and comments  if you think I can improve something! Thanks!-Ash





	Lost

   Have you ever had your other half taken away from you? Not for a day or a week, but forever. You never see their shining eyes or hear their wonderful laugh ever again. No more of your inside jokes. No more of your nudges and silent conversations. Imagine their unique amazing personality is just gone from the world. They were the sun to your world...and what kind of world would it be with no sunshine?

   They are gone in an instant, and with them they take your heart and soul. Nothing can be done to change it. Nothing can bring them back no matter how hard you plead or beg or how much you feel like dying when you realise this is really happening. They're gone. And you're alone. 

   The one person you went to for EVERYTHING is just fucking gone. And you could've stopped it. You could've saved them and they would be sitting next to you on the couch like always instead of laying dead on the floor. 

   And it's not a minor loss. You lose your soul. You lose a piece of yourself. Losing them is like losing air. How could you ever even imagine living without them?

   You're just...lost. 

   He was my everything.

   And now I have nothing.

>•<

   It was my fault. I had been avoiding him. It was entirely my fault. 

   I was way too busy. I had to make a lot of videos to prepare for visiting my parents for 2 months. And I wanted to start posting more and have emergency videos as well. Plus I was working on arranging for our brand new book to come out...I didn't have enough time for him.

   He had been getting hate but like he always did, he told me it didn't bother him. Why did I believe him?

   I didn't notice the bags under his eyes from him staying up until god knows when, going through every single hate comment. I didn't notice how he never ate anything because he believed the comments calling him fat. I didn't notice how he stopped making videos. I was so caught up with my own problems I failed to notice my best friend fading away. 

   But that day is burned in my mind. 

***

   He grabbed me and hugged me randomly on my way to the lounge. The first hug between us in weeks. "You're my best friend, Dan. Don't forget how much you mean to me. Okay? No matter what." I frowned, hugging him back before pulling away.

   "Phil? Is everything okay?"

   "Everything is fine." I looked at him to confirm everything was fine before I nodded.

    "Yeah, of course. You mean a lot to me too. You're my best friend you prat." Phil smiled, I smiled back, ruffling his hair. "Stop being so serious. I love you bro." Phil laughed. I didn't notice how pained it sounded.

   "Can you run and pick me up some cereal? Please?" I sighed dramatically.

   "Did you eat all my cereal too?" Phil nodded. I shook my head in an exasperated fasion, already walking towards the door.

   "Well if you insist, I guess I have to." Phil smiled at my teasing tone as I grabbed my jacket, turning to Phil. "I'll be back soon. Don't die while I'm gone!" I shouted, closing the door.

   "No promises." Phil whispered, his demeanor falling away.

***

   Dan returned twenty minutes later, a bag full of crunchy nut, Lion cereal and Wheetos in his hand. "Hey Phil! I found this cereal called Lion cereal! I got it because you know, you're my lion!" No response. "PHIIIIIILLLLLLLLLL!" Dan called, huffing when he didn't get a response. He set the cereal down on the counter and walked towards Phil's room.

   "Phiiiiillllll?" Dan dragged out his name, annoyed he was being ignored. He reached for Phil's door.  
"Phiiillllyyyyyy. Stop ignoring me, I demand attent-" Dan pushed open his door and the words died on his throat. "No. No. Nononononononono." He ran forward, panic rising in his throat. Oh my god. There was so much blood.

   Phil was sitting at his computer desk, head rolled back, his eyes closed. A haunting smile lingered on his lips. Blood was all over, oozing from deep vertical slits on his wrists. Oh god. "Phil? Phil, wake up, please! You can't do this! Don't leave, please no!" Dan fumbled for his phone, dialing the emergency number, the woman told him to try and stop the bleeding. Dan's hands shook as he grabbed a towel on the floor, pressing it to Phil's cuts. The lady was asking him questions but he couldn't understand. He didn't understand anything. 

   He didn't understand that their first pinof was playing in the background on repeat. 

   'This was the most fun I've ever had..."

***

   His trip to his parents was canceled. They came there instead. But it wasn't to see him. It was to attend the funeral. Phil's parents were here too. Crying and hanging onto each other. They had just lost their son. Dan's parents were crying. Everyone was crying. Everyone but Dan.

   Dan was numb. He hasn't slept, nightmares of Phil's lifeless body haunted him. Phil's last words to him echoed through his head. He sat in the very back, clutching Phil's note close to his body. 

   He found it when he returned home, aimlessly wandering as he waited to hear if Phil was okay. He found himself in Phil's room. Then he noticed the note, folded neatly on the computer desk, next to Phil's stuffed lion. 

   'Dear Dan,

   I'm sorry. I really didn't want to leave you. But I couldn't stay. It hurt to keep going. The days where I just couldn't feel anything were making me ache with longing. Recently I've just been in pain. So much pain that it hurts to breathe.  
   It wasn't your fault. Don't get that mixed up in your head. None of this was your fault. I wanted to go. I wanted this. You couldn't have stopped me. And I suppose this is my time to tell you but...I love you Dan. Not just as a best friend. I am in love with you. But I know you don't feel the same. But that isn't why I'm gone now. I accepted that you wouldn't love me like I love you a long time ago.  
   I know you'll miss me. I know this will hurt you. But I've put it off for as long as I can, but it's time, Dan. It's time to say goodbye. Tell the fans for me, yeah? And don't stop YouTube or our channel. And please keep going. Please don't give up because of me. Think of it as my last request. At least I won't eat your crunchy nut anymore, huh? Haha.

      I love you so much, bear. You are my first and last love.

   -Your lion'

   He was so stupid to hope Phil would be okay. Everything good always gets ripped away from Dan. He should've fucking expected this. The happiest he's ever been, and he had expected it to stay forever? How naïve.

   A million thoughts raced in his head as he watched the coffin being lowered into the ground. His fist clenched around the note as one thought kept repeating in his head.

   He never even got to tell Phil he loved him too.

**Author's Note:**

> Don't forget to leave kudos if you liked it and comments if you think I can improve something! Thanks!   
> -Ash


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